No Way Out!

After driving to first a fire department, then a local clinic and being refused to be seen by both, we end up at a hospital in Vancouver, WA (always need to clarify that so folks know it's not BC). Funny thing even though I was obviously so ill that doctors at the clinic refused to see me, I still had it in my head that I would be making it back to the memorial celebration.

That notion was about to change.

I should have had some idea that something was amiss when we got to the emergency room and they took me right in. I was still thinking great I'll be out of here at no time, never making note of the fact that this emergency room looked different. There were no doors on the rooms and the security seemed, well somewhat more... secure.

They ran test after test, no drugs in my system, not even any alcohol, but I still couldn't walk or eat anything and I was holding on fast to the ruse that I had no idea what was going on.

You see my parents were under the illusion that I had quit drinking some time ago and I was perfectly content to let that illusion continue. I mean it really wasn't any of their business and wasn't it time for them to go home anyway?

But no, they stayed.

I was now being interrogated by Doctors who were extremely concerned as the tests they had run showed that I had lost 50% of my liver function (not good). They were concerned that I might be dying. I didn't care. I just wanted to leave.

My Mom went and got me some food which I managed to choke down. I think if I remember right it was a strawberry milkshake and fish & chips from Burgerville (I'll share with you at some other time the food majesty of the Ville).

They ran more tests: no improvement in liver function.

I finally had to fess up to something, so I told them I had drank a lot the night before, celebrating, but that was it. The doctors told my parents a night of drinking would not cause this. They kept pressing. Finally, I gave in and told them all that I drank heavily every day and had never quit. It wasn't really a lie,  as I said before, it was none their business.

The doctors said "I had to stop drinking or I would die". They wanted me to go directly to detox. I refused and asked them if I could just stay at the hospital overnight. This, as it turns out, was not an option and neither was my getting up and leaving. I was just too sick.

Finally, I agreed and they got me into a nearby detox, that much to my chagrin had an open bed (this never happens).

Next: Detox was not detoxifying!

It Takes A Commitment To Diligent Consciousness Awareness!

The secret to living a life of joy, truth and love, comes from accepting that no matter how complete this moment may find you, there will always be a better you, you can be in the next and then stiving always to be that. It's in the "Infinity Handbook" under "Eternity; The Neverending Journey Of Personal Discovery". Look it up I wouldn't lie to you! Kip Baldwin 


“Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let The Ass Kicking Begin!

I woke/regained consciousness early, probably around 6AM. It was the morning of Erik's memorial and I felt pretty good as I readied myself to have breakfast with the Amtser and the Andster. 

Now you're probably asking yourself, 'how is it that this guy isn't completely hungover. The answer is I should have been, but there's an old saying that if you've drunk through the point of getting hungover, it's a bad thing. That, like many old wives tales, turns out to be firmly rooted in some truth. You see I used to get the worst hangovers you could possibly imagine. I'm talking, end up in the hospital, skull shattering hangovers, but it had been well over a decade since I had the ability to become hungover and as it turns out that is a very bad thing!

Amy, Andy and I went for breakfast, although I didn't eat anything before heading to the memorial. I popped a couple of lorazepams to take the edge off just before we arrived.

At that point I was having quite a bit of trouble walking from neuropathy in my legs that was brought on, (although I did not know it at the time) from years of hard drinking.

After we arrived I saw Nancy and hugged her, before going to the bathroom to take another lorazepam and wait in dread for my parents to arrive. While my parents and I have always had a strained relationship, the real reason that I was dreading their arrival was that they would get in the way of my drinking plans. Which without, even with the lorazepam was beginning to prove to be a challenge and my mind began to wander to the bottle of vodka in my bag in Amy and Andy's car. I was wondering one, if I could get to it before my parents arrived (take the edge off, you know) and two, if I get the drink could I cover it up on my breath. I sucked it up and decided I was going to make it through. It was then my parents arrived.

The look of sadness, concern and disgust on my parents faces was hard not to notice, as I did my best to wobble to them with a cheerful greeting.

There were over 400 guests in attendance and soon we were all seated and the memorial was to begin.

I sat center stage midway back with my parents on one side and Amy on the other, trying to steady the camera in my now shaky hands. I realized that whether I wanted to or not,I would not be getting that drink.

The memorial was magical! It was sad, funny, uplifting, you name it. If there was an emotion to be touched, it was and Amy, Andy and Dean did the most marvelous job of recording every heartfelt moment. You literally lived Erik's life through the eyes and words of those who knew and loved him best. We should all be transitioned to our next destination with such overwhelming love and genuine affection.

I began to get nervous that someone might ask me to speak and with the trouble I was having holding my camera in my now vigorously shaking hands, I began to think that I wouldn't be able to do it. 

If only I could have a quick drink or ten.

After four hours the memorial ended and despite the unpleasantness I was experiencing, it went by in what felt like an instant... it had been such a moving event.

This is when Erik stepped in!

Everyone began to file out laughing and getting ready to head over to Erik and Nancy's home to continue to celebrate his amazing life. I could wait, as I was now in serious need of a drink. I went to stand, but Erik had other plans for me.

I literally felt as if someone was standing on my shoulders and refusing to let me stand. I sat back down and tried again, no luck and again the legs were just not going to lift me up. They were buckling and shaking as if the weight of the world were upon them. 

No, it was just Erik and he was not going to let this go unnoticed.

A crowd was now beginning to form around me, my parents, Amy, Andy, Dean, friends of Erik, all greatly concerned about my well being. I tried to convince them all I was fine saying, 'That I just need a moment or some food.

Yes, that was it, all I needed was some food. I mean, I hadn't eaten  anything. I would be just fine if I just ate something. Amy brought me a cookie.

I thought,'If I could just have a drink I would be fine.

That was when Amy I believe, brought over a friend of Erik's who was a doctor. I don't really remember exactly what she said, but it led to me being helped, struggling against my crumbling legs to my parents' car and being driven to the nearest medical care possible. It was then that I had my first, albeit fleeting thought, as I obviously had more pressing concerns, that Erik was somehow behind this.

Next: Erik was not even close to being done with me yet!

Interlude Truth

Before I get to my beat down, a moment to ponder truth.


"At first opening your eyes wide to the light of truth, can be like looking into the Sun. You reflexively want close them to the pain. Coming to back awareness can be equally painful, as you will be forced to look and to accept the fact that you have been mistaken about a great many things. You will reflexively want to crawl back to the comfort of the lie. Don't... Or you shall forever remain blind." Kip Baldwin


“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” C.S. Lewis


Coming to the truth of life can be terrifying, dying in the lie... is infinitely worse.

The Ending Of Ending... The Beginning Of Remebering

So I'm sure your wondering how Erik communicated with me after he moved on from this plane. Was it in gentle half awake whispers or a door mysteriously closing. If you thought it was anything so subtle you don't know Erik, I mean how I could you.


Erik was not one for the subtle. Everything about Erik was big bold and brash. From building his own mini Stonehenge in his back yard to his beloved Pinzgaur truck/tank mobiles.


So no, Erik did not gently push me back to the path of being-ness. Rather, he found a giant metaphysical rock and slammed me upside the head. He was right, there was probably no other way he could have gotten my attention.


But, before I go into my spiritual throttling, let me back up to the day before Erik went all otherworldly Mike Tyson on my then sorry ass.


Erik's memorial service was held on  Saturday, September 27. I was flying up Friday the 26th to attend. I had it all planned out. I would fly up and hang out with my wonderful friends Amy, Andy and Dean. I would attend Erik's memorial and celebrate his amazing life with his friends and family. Fly back Sunday and go to a Niles Station reunion in the Bay Area.


Niles Station was a club that I used to play back in my hair band rock star days. It's funny, it hadn't occurred to me until writing this the significance of all this taking place on the same weekend. It really was the death of the my old life and a re-awakening to life itself.


I'll regale you with Nile's stories some other time. For now, back to my ass whuppen'.


The party started before I even got on the plane to fly home. 


I may have forgotten to mention Erik lived in the town over from my hometown of Camas, WA and that my parents would be attending his memorial. Not something I was looking forward to, seeing my parents, that is.


Now when I say party what I really mean is drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. You see, I started drinking when I was around 13 or 14 and had done my best not to miss a day since. I drank in the bar at the airport, I drank on the plane North, I drank while  waiting for Andy to pick me up from the train.


For most of my life drinking meant party, but it had gradually become a slow suicide that I had come to embrace. Even taking out an insurance policy, just in case it actually worked. I still wanted to make sure that my loved ones would be taken care of.


When Andy picked me from the train I was suitably buzzed and with my tolerance being what it was, there were three states of being: suitably buzzed, asleep/passed out or out of my mind. 


Andy took me back to their humble abode which was also the home of their phenomenal animation studio Happy Trails. After saying hello to Amy and chatting for a bit,I was off to take a quick nap (asleep) before meeting our friend Dean and his friend for dinner.


Dinner was fantastic, meaning lots more drinking. Although, I remember thinking I had a good time. I can't speak for anyone else.


After dinner we headed back to Amy and Andy's. It was probably around midnight. We continued chatting and me drinking. Everyone eventually went to bed. Except me, who stayed up and did guess what, drink. 


I woke up sometime early, early morning and needed to find first the bathroom and then my bedroom. 


Now don't get me wrong. Amy and Andy have a beautiful home, but it's not so big that finding either of the aforementioned rooms should have been a challenge, but it was. It was like trying to make my way through the maze in the "Shining". 


You see, finding a bathroom when your teeth are floating, coupled with being out of your mind drunk is almost impossible. But, I did and then fell into bed for a quick one or two hour to sleep it off.


At this point, you're thinking, 'Oh my God, he got drunk at Erik's memorial, but you would be wrong.


My goal, out of respect for Erik, his family and friends, was not to drink at all. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, as the the saying goes, something about the best laid plans of mice and men.


If you listen closely you can almost hear the ass kicking that Erik had planned on the horizon.


Next up: Let the ass kicking begin

The Eternal Journey Of Being "I'll Start At My Beginning. What Begininning?"

"The room is rubber, but I am sane. The jacket straight, but I am sane. The pills are for them, not me. The chatter makes no sense, but to them, you see. The guards know the truth, but paid well they are. I am sane, in a world gone mad, one and many steps too far. Be clear in your mind and soul of that, keep the crazies at bay. Love's cuckoos fly by, follow them, they know the way." - Kip Baldwin

This is how I've come to view my relationship to what most call civilization. I even cringe at the lie, civilization... really... please show me the evidence... the proof. But, I have the rest of my existence here, to share and try to convince you of the many delusions, that accompany our folly after folly.

I am writing this blog to share with you my path back to knowing, to understanding, to embracing the shadow and banishing the fear, to falling in love with love absolute and to seeing through the veils of separation that have become the prison walls of our self imposed isolation, from the one.

Erik Purdom My Friend, My Salvation:

"On Saturday April 26th 2008 we learned Erik had been diagnosed with Signet Ring Cell Carcinoma, which apparently invaded his system through his appendix."

This would be the news, although I did not know it at the time that would alter my life forever.

Erik passed on August 14, 2008 leaving behind his beautiful soul mate Nancy and there two magical children Lyric and Jager. 

Erik was one of the most fully realized beings I had ever met and had the honor of calling friend and being called friend by. Erik was a genius mad inventor, a dreamer who's feet could not have been more firmly planted on Mother Earth.

This is a Erik story that tells you much of what you need to know about who Erik is. Erik's cancer had spread to all his internal organs causing them to calcify. Erik could no longer eat without becoming deathly ill and Erik loved food. I guess you would probably call him an adventurous eater, as evidenced by his outrageously yummy homemade pickled eggs and mead. So you can only imagine the torture and temptation of freshly baked cookies still warm from the oven, cooling on his kitchen counter. Then without warning and much to his family's chagrin and protestations, Erik promptly tossed one into his ravenous mouth and began to chew... and chew... and chew! Until just before his panicked family thought he would swallow, leaving himself in agonizing pain, he spit it out and announced to all within earshot , "That, that was the best cookie I've ever had".

That was Erik still devouring life, even as this incarnation of his... was coming to and end. 

Even the type of cancer that Erik had was original, his was a form of Signet Ring Cell Carcinoma that began in his appendix, only 70 other folks have reported with being afflicted with the disease. 

I've always told people, 'That if Erik were going to get cancer, of course it would only be fitting, that it would be as original as he.

In my last conversation with Erik before he passed he said(still with an air of levity), "Kip, I am getting the ass kicking of my life."

I want to be sure that I'm clear that this was the last conversation Erik and I had before he moved on. Because, little did I know then, but Erik had some powerful messages for me, along with a very public ass kicking of my own, after he transcended this plane of matter.

To learn more about Erik or his cancer visit: http://erikproject.blogspot.com/ or www.appendix-cancer.com:)

Next: The ending of an ending, the beginning of remembering.

Somewhere On The Journey Day 1 Alec Baldwin's Evil Twin!

We constantly look for finite answers to infinite questions. There is no difference when it comes, to our journey of being-ness. The eternal discovery of who we are and the discarding of who we are not. Today I discovered, that according to Alec Baldwin "I am" his evil brother. 

http://www.datelinehollywood.com/dateline_hollywood/2008/09/alec-baldwin-bl.html